Blogging about my issues actually help, I don't have anyone at home that I can talk to about things like this and it is helpful to talk about it. Searching the internet lead me to find that I am not the only person with this disorder and that made me feel better because I am not alone. I wish there was someone that I could really talk to, like a friend at home, but by blogging I get to write and also release whats on my mind, so either way I guess I am all good.

I found a great article on getting over depression!!

I really just wish that things were better. I feel like once I am able to live, meaning I am doing what I need to do for me, fulfilling my dreams and desires I will be complete. Right now there is so much missing, I am like a puzzle. I don't even know where to begin to help myself. Not having a job is a huge factor, but living back at home is like hell, I sit in my room all day reading or on the computer, searching for jobs, and making trips to the library. I am grateful for a place to stay, but I am hurting around my family and they don't even care or attempt to help me.

That makes me feel like I just don't matter at all. My friends tell me to pray and pray and pray..thats cool and I understand what they are saying, but I don't know what is right for me anymore. I lost myself, I am so lost and alone. and super confused.

There is a lot going on right now that I feel I can not handle. For one I feel my symptoms of depression and am trying to keep myself from becoming depressed again. I have been looking for a job for almost 3 months, with no offers...things are not going great and I try to remember that it could 'always be worse'. Unfortunately I can't go to therapy without health insurance and all, so I am working this out on my own. Anxiety and stress are setting in on me and no one really seems to notice or care for that matter.

Today was the first day in a while that I looked really nice, my skin has been horrendous!! My eyes damn near bare. I have go to overcome this issue, because it hurts to look like this. I don't feel comfortable when people look at me, or even notice that my bottom lashes are longer. I don't like taking pictures I just feel really ugly, even though I know I am not.

Right now I am really confused. I don't know what to do, I am scared, somehow I have forgotten how to take care of myself and make decisions for myself. WTF is going on with me, I don't know. I am just stressed and feel powerless.

There are now weeks between pullings, which is great. I think because I am handling things much better and refuse to be stressed and unhappy. I did a couple of days ago have a pulling spree. I forgot what I was thinking about, but I did stop myself before too much damage was done. I really want my lashes back so that I won't feel so insecure about my eyes.

I pulled so many hairs from my eyelids I can't even believe it. I hadn't pulled in two weeks. I knew I was doing it, it took my mind off the serious disappointment I got. I want to stop, I need to stop.

I had been doing great with lashes growing in. My lids almost looked slightly normal. Then yesterday I had an attack of anxiety wash over me. I was thinking about work, gas, how I was gonna print my resume (long story), my daughter...I started feeling pains of heartbreak and disappointment. My fingers found their way and went to town! Most of what was long enough to pull got pulled. I am disappointed, but recognized where the stress came from. I could not relieve the feeling.

I think it will help if I set smaller goals, so I am going to start with one day.

I am still struggling with pulling, but I must admit that I have been doing it rarely. Also, I have fallen off the wagon with my eye treatment, so I have got to start that over again. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I refuse to think about negative things. I accepted the past and released it. I focus on being happy were I am in life and look toward the brightness of my future. I truly hope if I have any readers, that I am helping and inspiring you in some way. Nothing is wrong with you, you are beautiful..and you too can overcome pulling!!

I sit and wonder when I will have my beautiful lashes again. The holiday season is the most depressing time for me and is a huge source of anxiety. I pulled of course and know that I shouldn't. I caught myself several times, so I am happy about that. I am preparing myself mentally. I think of it now as just a habit and try not to associate the pulling with any particular feeling or action. I feel if I can separate the need/want to pull from the action that it will be easier to stop pulling.

I have been using positive affirmations and visualizations. When I look in the mirror I 'see' myself with long, beautiful lashes again. So far so good.